4 Steps Out of a “Should” Spiral
“I should go for a run.”
“I should sort through that pile of paperwork.”
“I should meal prep.”
“I should not let my kids on their screens.”
Do any of the above statements sound familiar? How do you “should” yourself? Do you tell yourself you should be moving, eating, parenting, or adulting a certain way? How does it make you feel when you speak to yourself this way?
Pretty lousy, right?
“Should” puts distance between ourselves and our true desires. “Should” breaks down boundaries that keep us whole. When we do this often enough, we become our own taskmasters instead of our own advocates. We demand perfection or achievement instead of meeting ourselves where we are and prioritizing what’s really important to protect our peace.
This is not to say that the laundry should sit forever unfolded in a bin in your bedroom. (I tried this for a week and ended up finding a dead mouse when I finally went to fold it. Would not recommend.) This is not to say that exercise and meal prep are not great ideas that can provide great benefits.
This is, instead, a reminder to stay in touch with yourself. And if you feel your boundaries starting to break down or your edges starting to fray, pause and see if too much “shoulding” is perhaps the culprit. To get yourself back into better balance, I recommend the following four steps out of a “should” spiral:
Name it to tame it.
My longtime coach, the amazing Anna Corbett, is always saying this phrase and I love her for it. Brené Brown also talks about the importance of naming your emotions in order to take your power back. Recognizing and acknowledging that you are “shoulding” yourself is the start of your U-turn out of your spiral.
Come up with one thing you can do for YOU.
An act of true self-care, please, not pseudo self-care. Instead of doing the task you “should” be doing, what can you do instead to take care of yourself? Do you need a glass of water? To take a walk? Phone a friend?
Do that thing.
Hydrate. Get outside for a few minutes. Call your BFF. Make the time and do the thing!
Return to your agenda, calendar, or To Do list and reassess.
Can you think more clearly and prioritize more easily? If so, great! If not, repeat steps 1-3.
If it’s Sunday, you may face the mother of all should spirals: the Sunday Scaries Should Spiral! Sundays make us especially vulnerable because we may not have achieved everything we set out to accomplish over the past week and now we’ve got a new week barreling towards us. Never fear! The steps above apply every day of the week!
If you find yourself spiraling today or any time this month, take these steps and let me know how you feel. And if you are truly stuck in overwhelm: breathe. You are not alone. You are capable and worthy of becoming unstuck. There is no shame in reaching out for help - that’s what I did four years ago, when I appealed to a group of online strangers for help and encouragement to take a break from drinking.
You are not alone. And you deserve so much more than “should.”
