The Gray Area of Not Drinking
The term “gray area drinking” was a complete revelation to me when I first heard it back in 2018. Reading about the concept of being stuck in the murky metaphysical area between occasional and heavy drinking lifted a wine barrel’s weight from my conscience. In the moment that my eyeballs traversed those three words, my life changed forever.
I was not alone after all! I was not the only one struggling to control my drinking but managing to function at a high level! I was not the only wine mom who couldn’t string together more than a couple of nights without wine! Being able to identify as a gray area drinker was the kick in the pants that I needed to get on the path that would ultimately lead to freedom from alcohol. Realizing I was not alone was the key to motivating me to find a way out of the fog.
Over the last four years, the term “gray area drinking” has become much more mainstream. This is a great thing. The sober curious movement has taken off, offering comfort, connection, and community to many formerly isolated gray area drinkers. Sobriety is also trending, thanks to newly sober celebrities like Chrissy Teigen touting its benefits.
But what about that space between gray area drinking and… whatever comes after? This is the gray area of not drinking. And, like gray area drinking, it’s an uncomfortable place to be (even without the hangovers!). Both gray areas are territories where drinkers and budding non-drinkers can linger for longer than they’d like. But while one has one clear exit door, the other, for many, does not. At least not right away.
Once gray area drinkers acknowledge they have a drinking-problem-with-a-lower-case-“p,” the next step is clear: stop drinking! Do an about-face away from rock bottom! Do not pass go, do not collect $200! The fear of hitting rock bottom is what propels many drinkers to address and start changing their behavior. Committing to a booze break, hiring a sobriety coach, and joining a recovery program are some ways that people stop drinking.
Gray area drinkers often emerge from their drinking fog and start on their alcohol-free path feeling optimistic and motivated (but if you don’t, that’s also ok!). The immediate benefits of sobriety, such as improved sleep, decreased anxiety, and boosted energy levels, can create an effect called the “pink cloud.” For those who experience the pink cloud, sobriety is a revelation and the newly-minted non-drinker feels fabulous and fierce. But no honeymoon lasts forever. Whether you have experienced the pink cloud of sobriety or not, your alcohol-free path will likely lead, at some point, into a gray fog reminiscent of your drinking days. This is the gray area of not drinking. The fog itself may be lighter than the fog of gray area drinking (after all, you’re not drinking, so at least you’ve got a clear head!), but choosing a way out can feel much more challenging.
The gray area of not drinking can feel demoralizing, confusing, and irritating. To once again feel stuck after doing so much work to stop drinking? Frustration station! If you find yourself here, it can be incredibly tempting to bail on your entire journey. But if you give up, you run the risk of trading one gray area for the other, returning to your old habits - which, by identifying as a gray area drinker, you have acknowledged are no longer serving you - before you know it. If you resist the urge to cut and run, there are two paths you can take to emerge from this unwelcome fog: cutting back and cutting out.
Cutting back, or drinking in moderation, requires organization, focus, and discipline.
Cutting out, or continuing to abstain, requires commitment, focus, and determination.
Got that? Good. Now, here are two reminders for you:
One: There is no “right” path. There is just the path that is right for you right now. And, by the way, you are allowed to backpedal and choose the other way. You are allowed to start again. You are allowed to do as many loop-de-loops as you need. Save for the spontaneous sober narwhal (unlike unicorns, they DO exist!), most of us former gray area drinkers have several day ones in our past. This is how we learn. This is how we grow. This is how we change. Everyone’s journey is different, and no one can traverse your path but you.
Two: It is not weak to not embrace sobriety right away. Think of the lifetime of pro-alcohol messaging and the years (or decades!) of drinking you have experienced in your life. As brave as it is to admit to yourself that alcohol has become a problem, it is also brave to admit that, while you need to make a change, you’re not sure exactly what you want your relationship with alcohol to be. The journey to alcohol freedom - whether it’s in the form of cutting back or cutting out booze - is a marathon, not a sprint. And it is absolutely worth every step.
The time I spent in and out of the gray area of not drinking went like this:
I took my first break from alcohol to “detox” from overindulging during the holidays. I had absolutely no intention of stopping drinking, but I was determined to make it through a month without booze. I experienced the pink cloud and felt amazing. After the month ended, I entered the gray area of not drinking, and decided to try to cut back on my drinking. I was able to moderate for a few weeks, but then I returned to my old gray area drinking habit of consuming more than I wanted and feeling out of control once again. So I took another break, experienced a shorter, less potent pink cloud, and entered the gray area of not drinking again. This break was longer, yet I was still determined to cut back when it was over. I lasted about 55 days, and then started drinking again. Moderation took a lot of work, and drinking became less enjoyable. So I decided to commit to one year alcohol-free. Perhaps because the break was so long, the gray area of not drinking did not feel as burdensome this time. By the eleventh month of my 12-month break, I realized I was starting to identify as a non-drinker. The gray area of not drinking faded away as I learned to embrace sobriety once I realized it was the best choice for me.
How long will it take you to navigate out of the gray area of not drinking? As long as it takes, I’m #sorrynotsorry to say - because the journey is absolutely worth it. It is worth the work that it takes to not settle for a version of yourself that you know is not who you want to be. It is worth the work that it takes to dethrone alcohol from your brain and your life.
How do you navigate the gray area of not drinking? A good place to start is to accept that your journey is most likely not going to be smooth. When self-doubt creeps in, remind yourself that you are a badass for being brave enough to start the journey in the first place. Settle in and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Does discomfort suck? Yes. Does discomfort increase self-awareness and self-trust, ultimately making you stronger and more confident? Also yes.
You will likely feel a lot of feelings now that you are not numbing with alcohol. When a difficult feeling arises, name it to tame it. Naming our feelings allows us to reclaim our power and move forward instead of getting stuck in a spiral of shame or overwhelm.
Tap into your tools. What helped you take that first break from drinking? Was it connecting with other people either online or IRL? Was it staying accountable with a journal, text buddy, or coach? Was it stocking your pantry with yummy alcohol-free beverages and tasty snacks? Whatever tools work best for you, put them to use to help you forge ahead through the gray area of not drinking.
Finally, keep your why in your sights. What prompted you to go on this journey? A health concern? Your kids? Your spouse? Keep your why close, and return to it whenever you waver. You started this journey for a reason, and you are stronger than you think. Keep going.
Have you been stuck in the gray area of not drinking, or are you feeling stuck there now? Has this post helped you? Reach out and let me know!